Stress Is Making Me Fat

In 10 days I leave for Africa.

I have no e-ticket.

I have no passport.

It's exhausting to be me.

Today I called the travel agency to inquire about the absence of our e-tickets (did I mention 11 people are going to Africa with me, and they are calling me their "Leader"? It's true. And this "leader" has no tickets for her team.). The very kind man at the travel agency informed me we don't need e-tickets; the airline will give us a boarding pass at check-in. I was speechless. Clearly, this gentleman has never tried to get out of a Third World airport. Not only do we have to show the non-computerized personnel our e-tickets, we have to write down the airport codes for each of our cities of final destination (this team is coming from 3 different US cities). After we repeatedly assure them that our point of entry into the US is not our final destination, and try to explain that yes, we do have to claim our bags momentarily in US customs, it is truly the city of final destination that needs to be written on the luggage tag. In pen. Did I mention the lack of computerization?

The first time I returned from Burundi with hand-written luggage tags, the baggage handlers at Dulles were stunned. One guy looked down at the tag, looked up at me and said, "Where in the world did you just come from?" And then he sent my bags to the wrong city. Funny: I travel all the way to Africa and back, and it's typically the handlers in my port of entry who lose my luggage. It's become a tradition. The last time I came home, I didn't even go to baggage claim. I went right to the lost luggage office and filed my claim. Sure enough, my bags were sent to Portland. I am in Phoenix.

But before we can experience the funnies of getting out of Africa, I really need to get in! The travel agent asked me, "Would you consider this an emergency request, getting these e-tickets?"

"Uh, yeah. Thank you."

Evidently, they did not, as the tickets did not come to my inbox today.

No matter, really. Can't leave the country without my passport, even if I do have an e-ticket. My passport? Yes, I had to send it to the Burundian embassy to get a visa. This is the first time we've had to do this. Until now, we have always been able to get our visas in the Burundian airport. Not anymore. No. Now we have to send our passport, 3 completed visa applications (identical to each other), 3 passport photos, proof of hotel reservations in Burundi, proof of a round trip ticket (they actually accepted our reservation, as we don't have any round trip tickets!), a return envelope with $18 in postage, and $80 for the visa.

And then wait, fighting panic that my passport will survive the journey out of my custody. I have called the embassy every day since Monday, and been assured my passport was being mailed the next day. You know what they say, "Tomorrow never comes." Evidently, some people live by that adage.

Today I called to see if my passport had been mailed. Yes, it was mailed yesterday. She gave me the USPS tracking number.

It's invalid.

I heard a report awhile back that stress causes obesity.

I'm blowing up like a balloon. Sorry, Chuck Norris. Nothing you can do to stop it.